I am unaware of anything I truly want to express. Though my mind is not inactive, rarely do thoughts linger longer than a few moments, or survive the process of my computer being found in order to be recorded. Sometimes they are just blurbs, the target of Twitter and facebook, but in these truncated frames of completeness, would I have ever guessed that these efforts would soak up the need to write further reflections? Should this be of concern to me? Or perhaps its just about enjoying a little bit of extra silence of the mind.
My mind is far from silent, however, for the most part. I find myself thinking in blurbs, as though I could be updating my facebook or twitter status directly from my mind, through ESP. Caroline is in a dangerous situation - there are cinnabons in the terminal. Caroline gives this airport an F in the computing longevity department. Caroline wants to photoshop a photograph to create a painting, but is drawing a blank. Caroline doesnt want to pay for internet @ 7.00 for 2 hours. who does? In these short statements I am constantly declaring the status of my life to an imaginary audience - choosing not to be constantly bothering my PDA that has the capability to help me update a real-life audience via the internet. But though I suspect this pattern of thinking has evolved from posting such updates, I dont find them to be necessary. Sometimes its enough just to confirm my sense of humor to myself, and give anyone who has a real ESP connection to my mind a little extra.
These updates, however frivolous, are constant. I hope I wont be sitting next to that guy on the plane Caroline wishes that major airlines could embrace the wi-fi revolution. Caroline is scared of people who hum to their headphones and speed-walk through the airport with no bags. Though they are not always in the third person, as facebook suggests they should be, these updates to no-one sometimes feel like practice for actual tweets and updates, and other times its a way to reassure myself of my own self-worth. These are, after all, the format that my communications take when people like my status, comment on it, or re-tweet it. And with negative and constructive criticism being so out of style, there is only to be gained by participating in these blasts of self-journaling, at least if youre into interaction with people - strangers or not.
With so much of myself blasting through my head these days, there is much less anxiety to express myself, be it through writing, art, or grumpy bitching. And while I feel like my life is growing into something I want it to be, its not there yet, but my frustration with the speed at which it is going is waning. With a huge exhibit in 2 weeks and a self-declared working vacation dedicated to its success for the following week I could all but slow the upcoming weeks to make sure I get everything done and every person spoken to. Still, its a sublime transition. After two years of virtual inactivity, the time has come for my art to live a little, and for it to be okay to put it first as a priority, even if its just for a week. Soon enough, with efforts like these, my following will ramp up, my art will earn its place among my highest priorities, and my dream of being an independent artist will be realized. Then, there very well may be thousands of people who receive my updates on a semi-constant basis, and it will matter to them.
In the next month, my professional efforts are going to become very involved. Concrete Ocean has scheduled its grand opening with my show with Julie Malone, Still Within, over 1000 miles from where I live. Bearing in mind that I used to live there in St. Louis, it seems only fitting that I would celebrate my 3 year anniversary of cancer survival in the city where I survived, surrounded by the people who helped me. I will also be debuting my Tuesday Night Ritual, an effort that began 6 years ago, and was finished only within the last several months. Though its important for me to keep the location of my show true to concept, I think my motivation for organizing a show in St. Louis really came from a conservative need to make this a huge show for me and to make it easy for my biggest audience, undoubtedly still in St. Louis, to be easily reached by local marketing and invited to this show which is a celebration as much as it is an art show.
My goals for this show are as follows: To relax into a great art show. To make enough money to justify the costs. To reconnect with old friends. To reignite my connections in St. Louis. To come out a better artist than I walked in as, better connected, better respected, and with broader options for the future. I am dreaming, dreaming, dreaming, though realistically I presume. And all of this is possible. As long as I stay organized and motivated, its all within reach. And now, I wonder if my status updates to my own mind are a tool to help me stay organized, present, and focused; if these self status updates are a sign of my growing voice and a will to be true to myself and exist and create within my own sustainable boundaries.
The disconcerting part about those is that I feel that they may be my most active creative outlet, causing me to be less motivated to make art and hone skills, creativity, and career. But then I think about all of the pressure I am under at work, and all that Im really trying to do, and realize that I am doing my best at all times, and that is all I can really do. Given a chance, I would change all kinds of things about my life, but some things I just have to work through and be happy about that. But Im feeling less and less frustrated with that process, because Im beginning to see progress. The passage of time has finally brought me three years cancer free, and when I think about all that I have been able to accomplish in those three years I immediately sit back and give myself a break. And then I forget about pressuring myself anymore and just let me update myself more freely. Again and again. Even if I draw a blank, it is a blank of stillness, of peace. Im lucky to have even one.
Though honestly, I still cannot wait until June 😉
